For support volunteers, having and facilitating difficult conversations with students and host families can feel intimidating at times. Tension, feelings of frustration, and disappointment that often present themselves in difficult situations can indeed be challenging. However, in AFS’s experience, having thoughtful conversations in these moments, as difficult as they may feel, gives the opportunity to conclude with greater understanding and appreciation for those involved.
Dialogue is a valuable tool and approach for many mild or moderate situations. Sometimes, some serious situations can also benefit from open dialogue. Dialogue can be seen as a stand-alone tool or approach, or it can be used together with another support tool such as a Plan for Success or Support Agreement.
Difficult conversations, when constructive, can result in a sense of relief and being grounded, when those involved feel fully heard and understood, and when expectations are clarified and strategies for reaching said expectations are established. Difficult conversations are often an opportunity for both parties to recommit to the exchange experience through finding intentional ways to reach out to one another and build towards common goals and interests.
For a support volunteer, entering these conversations from the mindset of believing in the best possible outcome and the best intentions of all involved will help set the tone of the meeting. You are a valuable presence in changing the energy and the potential course the relationship will take. Remember that moments of real challenge can often be a very natural outcome of the exchange experience, when students move through their exchange, and people across cultural differences learn to thrive together (You can find more information on the student cultural adjustment cycle and the host family adjustment cycle by clicking these links on this Help and Learning for Volunteers platform, as well as the Help and Learning for Host Families platform.
If you are assisting in a difficult conversation that involves a conflict between your participant and host family, we recommend watching these helpful videos pertaining to Mediation and Conflict Resolution. The following are also helpful suggestions for planning and structuring your conversation.
Introduction
- Begin the conversation with stating the value of the effort everyone has made to date. (Example: “Thank you all for meeting this evening. I know it has been a difficult past two weeks. I appreciate you making the effort to come together and talk about these difficult issues.”)
- Let all parties know the format of the meeting.
- Example: “We are going to hear your understanding of the experience from each one of you. We are then going to allow some time for each of you to respond to one another’s perspectives. Then we are going to discuss concrete ways we can resolve this and next steps.”
- Depending on how volatile the situation is, it can be helpful to set up some ground rules of communication. Several examples:
- Ask parties to talk from their perspective (using “I” statements, for example)
- Ask parties to give each other the respect of listening to each others’ points of view.
- Acknowledge that parties may be hearing difficult information, maybe for the first time.
- Ask everyone to assume the best possible message in what they are hearing. Especially when conversations are had across language barriers and cultural differences, information can be interpreted differently than how it was intended.
- In some cases, it can be helpful to begin the conversation by checking in with each party separately. This can sometimes allow for more open communication, especially in situations where you might not have the full perspective of one of the parties, or if the situation is particularly tense. Assume that participants or host parents may appreciate the opportunity to have prior notice of, or input on, what the other party will be told regarding a particular concern. Sometimes they may appreciate the opportunity to prepare or practice with you what they want to say to the other. If you choose to hold one on one conversations before or alongside a group conversation, it’s important to establish the understanding that some of what is shared in private will be addressed in a joint conversation as well.
During the Conversation
- Even during challenging conversations and tense situations, these helpful guidelines for Effective Communication can be very helpful
- Sometimes parties struggle to openly communicate with one another. Sometimes beginning by inviting people to direct their communication towards you rather than one another, at least at first, can help.
- Throughout the conversation, you can assist both parties by helping them reflect, clarify, rephrase, reframe, and supporting what they share:
- Reflect: Example: “What I hear you saying is….” To reflect is to repeat back or summarize for someone what you hear them say. Though a seemingly small extra step, reflecting can have a big impact on the conversation. Reflecting can help the speaker feel understood and validated. Reflecting also invites and welcomes more in-depth sharing by giving the opportunity to the speaker to then respond by further elaborating on any points they may wish to.
- Clarify: Example: “Help me understand what you mean by….” Volunteers are welcome and encouraged to pause when needed during conversations in order to ask for additional information by the speaker about an issue discussed. Whenever you begin to feel that a greater or clearer understanding is possible, taking the extra step to clarify can be very helpful. A common example of when clarification can be helpful is when people share general terms that may mean different things to different people (For example, concepts such as respect, being on time, and being engaged as a family, can mean different things to different people)
- Rephrase in neutral language: Example: if Jane’s host mom shares that she thinks that “Jane is lazy,” you can help rephrase by making note that “there’s concern about a lack of real engagement by Jane”. Rephrasing can help parties separate the emotion they are feeling from the reality of what actually happened.
- Reframe: Example: “I’m hearing a number of frustrations, and thank you for sharing. Our goal here is to...” To reframe is to steer the conversation back to the objective of the conversation. It can sometimes help significantly to reaffirm that the purpose of the dialogue and the support process is to advance understanding across differences and promote successful Intercultural learning. It can also sometimes help to point out that successful adaptation is a trial-and-error process, and some errors are expected. The trick is to view the challenges as learning opportunities. From that viewpoint, objectionable behaviors become mutual problems to solve, not personality defects or manifestations of ill will.
- Support and Affirm: Example: “Thank you for sharing. I know that was difficult and required courage on your part.” or “Thank you for listening. I know that wasn’t easy to hear.” Supporting and affirming all speakers throughout a difficult conversation can be extremely effective in not only helping speakers feel validated, but also in setting and maintaining an open and accepting tone during the conversation. This in turn can help people feel more comfortable sharing more openly.
Help the Process in Other Ways
- Take your time. Think about conversations as having two stages: First, uncovering and sharing information, insight, feelings, and experiences, and second, generating options, goals, and action items. Try not to rush from one to the other. Sometimes, the longer you spend on stage one, the more options may become apparent later on.
- Encourage a “here and now” orientation. When people share their feelings, experiences, and concerns, if you find that their language is oriented mostly in the past- focusing on past hurt feelings, or frustrations about things that have happened before, encourage them think- and express themselves- in terms of how they are feeling now. Ex: “Considering these frustrations that happened, how do you feel about it now?”
- Summarize at different times how far you have come in the conversation. Sometimes it is hard to determine when the group is ready to move on to a resolution/action stage. Summarizing points helps to determine if more needs to be said on the current topic or if people are ready to move on. (For example, “Here’s what I’m hearing so far...is this correct? Is there anything else?”)
- Take notes so you can go back to points made earlier in the conversation. This is especially useful when the group is ready to shift to resolution or action steps. Offer writing materials so the parties can choose to collect their thoughts and communicate with you and others in multiple ways.
- Be mindful of body language or other nonverbal cues. Feel free to change or alter accordingly. For example, if you notice everyone in the host family facing the participant and you feel that this may be affecting how the participant feels in the moment, encourage more spacing or perhaps sitting in a circle. Be mindful of your posture and nonverbal cues as well.
- Note when people are getting weary. Ask if people need a break. It is always good to have water and tissues around. Decide if you can have the whole conversation in one sitting. You might need to come back in a day or so, or meet with parties individually before reconvening.
- Allow for silence. In general, cultural communication styles that tend to be most prominent in the United States often are very verbal. Encourage people at the beginning and throughout the dialogue to take time to collect their thoughts. If you are comfortable with silence, this will allow others to be as well. In many cultures, silence is a sign of respect, particularly to elders. It is not a sign of disinterest.
- Be aware of the power dynamics in the room. Even if the participant has played a major role in creating the conflict or concern at hand, remember that this student is in a room full of adults. Given some of the possible cultural or familial contexts our participants have grown up in, it may be very hard for a participant to express his or her perspective in this context. Making sure the participant has time to express their needs and thoughts is key. (Please note that talking to the participant individually before a group meeting can be helpful. Then if the student is hesitant to express themselves in the group, you can assist in their ability to fully express themselves. Ex: "I know you’ve mentioned some good points to me in the past that I think your host family would find useful.”)
- After everyone involved has had an opportunity to feel heard and express themselves, it can often help to shift the conversation towards setting strategies, or ways in which everyone involved can participate in resolving the concerns at hand. Encourage collaborative brainstorming. When participants and host families are able to speak openly and in depth about their concerns and experiences, oftentimes a multitude of possible options for resolution or action steps can naturally come up. It can be helpful to reserve time near the end of the conversation to explore the whole range of possible options and action steps. This can help participants and host families consider solutions from multiple angles, consider what’s most viable or preferable for them, and think outside the box. When applicable, you can bring up things that had been mentioned earlier that might indicate that someone may have an idea or be willing to work on their end towards resolution in a specific way.
This can be a time when the notes taken, or the action steps identified, can be turned into a document such as a Plan for Success.
Ending the Conversation
- When ending the session, thank everyone for their time. Often people leave feeling positive about the resolution though tired from the emotional energy invested. Encourage people to take care of themselves whatever that looks like for them. Students should do their best to refrain from calling their sending parents right away to discuss the conversation and should instead do some self-reflection or talk to a volunteer. As a volunteer, you may follow up with your participant to get their thoughts and feedback on how the conversation went.
- Normalize: Once you are finished with the difficult conversation, it is not helpful to rehash the conversation in a casual manner. Talk about something else, for instance, the host mother's hobbies, or the participant’s interests. This allows everyone to know that you are relating to them as people outside the context of a conflict situation.
- Lastly, for your own objectivity and wellbeing, remember you are a coach. You are helping with a communication process. However, the communication and interaction lie in the hands of the parties. Allow them to take responsibility for their role.
- Sometimes, a conversation may conclude with a decision to sever the relationship, and it is healthy to openly recognize that this can be a painful process. (Click Here for more information on Support Student Moves) As a support volunteer, you can offer hope that lessons have been learned, and new growth has taken place in spite of the immediate uncomfortable feelings. You can remind participants that it takes strength to be willing to engage in a difficult conversation, and that many adults struggle with this important skill as well!
These conversations are the crux of our mission towards peace-making. The skills you model on effective conflict management impact the kind of community members we can choose to be in the world. Thank you for your very important role in the lives of our students and host families.